The Descent Into Madness

It’s 4pm, the sun is closing in on the horizon. You notice that the tone of the room has changed. The hair on the back of your neck stands up; you quickly look at your toddler, their smiling face has turned into a momentary 1000 mile stare. Your butt puckers when they let loose their battle cry, signifying the descent into madness that is Dinner Time.

The first stop on your slow and agonizing descent into insanity, is the task The Descent Into Madnessthat requires the most multitasking, focus, and agility. Making Dinner. You have to whip something up quickly, while your toddler rotates between clinging to your leg like a leech, reaching for the knife on the counter, and climbing onto the table. Every time you open a drawer, he’s there, reaching in, grabbing the soy sauce and shaking the bottle as he runs away. Every time you take a step, you trip over him, sending him flying into the cupboards. Now he’s crying. Well, fuck kid, what did you expect? You strap him into the highchair and hand him a portion of his dinner. Just a few more minutes you say, ya right. Eventually you manage to get some semblance of a healthy meal put together. And now the real work starts.

You’ve whipped up a meal, you’ve dodged your kid over and over, and now you have to find somewhere deep inside of you, a level of patience so high, even nun’s look at you in awe. You see, you’re once amazing eater has turned into a complete and raging asshole. Suddenly, he doesn’t want to eat anything, despite being hungry. A meal he scarfed down yesterday he turns his nose at today. When he does take a bite, he chews it for a few seconds and then spits it out. Oh, lets not forget about the fact that now he won’t even think of taking the food if he isn’t feeding it to himself. Greeeeaaaaat. That alone slows the process down by 10-fold.

You sit there, without distraction, having left your phone elsewhere so you could compete at your highest level. You will face no greater challenge in your time than feeding a toddler dinner. You’re a competitive athlete? Your skills are useless here. Oh, you’re a competitive chess player? Your skills are also useless here. You negotiate treaties/with actual terrorists/hostile takeovers? YA AGAIN, NOT GONNA HELP YOU HERE.

A toddler is an effective manipulator because they don’t speak your language. Their body language makes no sense. And their logic is non-existent. You can’t figure out what they are thinking. One bite is too hot, despite you checking, the next bite is totally fine, despite being the exact same temperature as the previous bite. But the most difficult challenge in this daily mind fuck, is that you don’t know when it will be over.

Will it be over in 15 minutes? Will he eat everything? Is this just a phase, or is my kid a complete dickhead now? How long is this phase gonna last? Next week, next year? Until he moves out?ย The trick is to take it one day at a time; don’t think of anything more than the amount of food you’ve set as the bare minimum.

You clap, you sing, you cheer with every bite. You yell, you swat, you curse, you clean up spilled food.

Finally, you sigh with relief when he finishes. Hell, you sigh with relief even if he didn’t. Whether you finished the feat of strength with a “OH YA WELL THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE KID!” and sent him on his way. Or you managed to finish it with some semblance of dignity, you attempted to nourish him. That’s all anyone can ask.

The Descent Into Madness

Holiday Gift Guide for Parents of Toddlers

Looking for gift ideas for your friends or family that have a toddler? Look no further! You’ll be the favourite friend/family member for years to come when you provide your loved ones with one of these gifts!

Dinner

No, not for them, please feed the tiny monster dinner. Be prepared, this will be like trying to convince Trump to stop tweeting; “No Sir, trust us, this will be good for you.” “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP MAKING A MESS!”

Morning-After Babysitting

The fear of having to parent hungover, is what nightmares are made of. Give them the gift of not having to deal with real life hitting them like a brick at 6am. Bonus points for having the coffee ready for them when they wake up.

House Cleaning

You’ve been to their house, you’ve seen the sticky fingerprints on everything, and the piles of paperwork, laundry, and dishes that never seem to get done. Whether you clean it for them, hire someone, or take the tiny tyrant off their hands for a day so they can FINALLY get to the bottom of their to-do list, they will feel like they’ve been to therapy and had a massive breakthrough, not breakdown.

A Barrel of Coffee

Not Costco sized. A 50L drum of coffee.

A New Coffee Machine

They’ve probably worn theirs out. It needs an on button, and a brew button. Easy to use even when deliriously tired.

Babysit the Doggo

This one needs to be repeated.

Do they have a furry friend in the family? Is the little fluff ball being ignored on the regular? Or is the canine companion annoying as shit and not helping itself out? Take the dog for a day or weekend. Get it groomed (especially nails clipped), and give the dog the attention it’s owners wish they could give him. Burn all the dogs energy before returning it home, so that it does nothing but sleep for 2 days.

Booze

Booze is always a good gift.

Things NOT to get them

Toys for their kid that make lots of noise.

Anything breakable.

Hobbies, don’t get them anything that could be considered “a hobby”. They ain’t got time for that.

Books. They do not have the time for such a luxury.

Holiday Gift Guide for Parents of Toddlers

What You ACTUALLY Need for a New Baby

I was perusing the interwebs and found a crapload of blogs that touted their lists as the “best” list of items you need for a new baby. They said “Oh, there’s too much stuff and it’s all conflicting, I’ve narrowed it down to only what you actually need!” Then I scrolled down to their list, and guess what? The list had about 3000 things on it.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, those sites are horseshit.

As we approached our due date, people would ask if we were prepared for baby. My response every time was “No.”

I’d get this stunned look in response like, “What? How could you not be ready?”

Well, everyone says you can never be fully prepared, so why bother getting stressed out trying?

What you actually need for a new baby:

A car seat.

A spot for them to sleep. (Literally a laundry basket can do the trick, I have also seen a dresser drawer play the part)

A handful of bodysuits and onesies.

A couple blankets and maybe a sleep sack.

That’s it. 4 things.

Things you can get for free- usually 1 bottle and some formula samples; which is all you need in the bottle/formula category if you intend on breastfeeding.

As for diapers and wipes you can get some from the hospital before you leave (for free) if you don’t have any at home. When we went to the hospital we literally had 2 newborn sized diapers at home. That was it.

So don’t stress out, you can buy things as you need them rather than stockpiling the nursery with shit (you may never use) for months and months before the baby arrives. No matter how much stuff you buy, or how much reading you do, you will never be “ready” so don’t get stressed out trying.

Rant over.

What You actually need for a new baby