Things People Say to New Parents and Shouldn’t

I’m gonna cut to the chase here because I’m hella tired and this doesn’t need much of an intro… so without further ado, things people say to new parents and shouldn’t:

Is the baby sleeping through the night yet?things people say to new parents and shouldn't

No, that’s not how babies work. They are designed to wake up frequently to eat through the first few months. Don’t talk to me about sleep training or what you did, we are in survival mode over here. Just like you were, or your friend, or your neighbour. Please stop talking about sleep.

Are you getting much sleep?

Please lets not talk about this. If I’m not I don’t want to dwell on it. If I am, I can’t say so without someone complaining about how they had no sleep and their life was sooooo hard. Just because I’m sleeping okay doesn’t mean things aren’t hard over here.

Are you breastfeeding?

None of your damn business .

So, are you going to have another?

No. A) None of your damn business. B) Leave my poor battered body alone, its done enough. C) We can’t even imagine what tomorrow looks like, let alone plan for another baby. D) There is no P & V tango right now, probably.

things people say to new parents and shouldn'tYou’re going to spoil the baby by holding it so much.

Negative. A baby cannot be spoiled by your love and touch. A baby doesn’t even understand that you two aren’t one being. Some time around the 6 month mark, baby will start to realize they are a separate being, but until then, cuddle the shit out of them.

Aren’t you just so happy?

I was, but not everyone is. You can see how this might be hard to answer (lie about) constantly. That it would eat at you as the days go by and you aren’t happy. It’s okay to not be okay, and people should start changing the phrasing of this question to someting more like “how are you doing? Is everything okay?”. If someone does ask like this, Moms and Dads, tell them the truth if you need some help.

Everything is a phase, this too will pass.things people say to new parents and shouldn't

Fuck off. This is so annoying. Rather than giving me some fucking useless cliche, how about you offer some actual tangible help. Wash my dishes, watch the baby for 20 minutes so I can shower, take the dog for a walk. Or show me what you did that worked, recommend a product you swear by. HELP MEEEEEEE! I know everything is a phase for fuck’s sake, we don’t shit in diapers for our whole lives, I’m not an idiot. But things are hard right now so help or buzz off.

Things you CAN say to new parents:

Do you need any groceries?

Can I help you with some chores?

Can I take your idiot dog off your hands for a while?

Your baby is fucking adorable.

(If baby clearly looks like one parent, throw the other parent a bone) OMIGOSH baby looks just like you!!

What do you like in your coffee?

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Things People Say to Pregnant Women and Shouldn’t

Things People Say to Pregnant Women
my face when you say any of these things to me

If you’ve ever said any of these things, you’re forgiven, but don’t do it again. No one wants to hear these things because they are unnecessary and rude. The most amazing thing about being pregnant, is how the second people find out, they think they can start asking you personal details and commenting on your body/mood and comparing you to their female relatives (how much weight have you gained? have you experienced the hornies yet? You look just like my daughter did and she had complications) these are things only your doctor and *sometimes* your baby daddy are allowed to ask, and they are certainly NOT appropriate to be coming from a coworker.

Things People say to Pregnant Women and Shouldn’t:

 

You’re getting so big!!

This is not a compliment, and hasn’t been since I was 4 years old. Unless I’m bulking up for a bodybuilding competition, and you’re discussing the girth of my bicep, never say this again.

I think he/she is going to be a big baby!!

I fucking hate you. Do you think the baby will be big because I’m clearly way bigger than Things People Say to Pregnant WomenI should be, or because you think I want to hear that the HUMAN that will make its debut through my vagina or a literal hole in my abdomen, is going to be gigantic? STOP saying this!!

You look ready to pop!!

I am no where near ready to pop you fuckstick. Also, humans generally don’t “pop”.

Breastfeeding ruins your boobs

No it doesn’t. Pregnancy “ruins” them. All the stretch marks and sagging you may have experienced was caused during pregnancy when they got porn star levels of huge; it just wasn’t noticable until that started to subside- after the breastfeeding.

Things People Say to Pregnant WomenYou’re eating for two!!

No. I’m eating for 1, and making sure its healthy, for 2. In the first trimester you don’t actually need any more calories than normal. In the second trimester, you need about 300 cal more than normal, and in the third trimester up to 500 cal more. So no, check your math skills, I am not eating for 2.

Who cares how big you get!

I care, my doctor cares, my baby cares. Gaining weight just because you’re pregnant is foolish and can be dangerous. Most things are left to genetics, but that doesn’t mean you can go buck wild on treats and food just because you’re pregnant. There can be serious medical consequences to gaining too much weight. Not to mention the more weight you gain the more you have to lose afterwards, because the baby/placenta/fluids, boobs/swelling probably only weigh between 10-15 lbs, the rest is a hole you’ve dug for yourself. It is really stressful trying to make sure you’re doing the best for your baby, and having people tell you to do the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to be doing, doesn’t help.

That weight will come off easily chasing the baby and breastfeeding!

I’m gonna smack you. You don’t “chase” a baby for months, and breastfeeding does not equal weight loss for everyone.

 

Things People Say to Pregnant Women
at a wedding 3 days before birth

Something people fail to realize, is that the shape, size, overall look of a woman’s bodyย while pregnant has almost nothing to do with weight gain and everything to do with where the baby is positioned, and her bone structure. Some people can eat perfectly, never going over on a calorie, always staying active and still get “enormous”. Some people can eat whatever they want and gain only what they needed, and then bounce back to pre-baby weight in a month (they are the chosen ones). A woman’s body should not be commented on by anyone other than her doctor. Some women never look pregnant, and wish they did, so telling them “you don’t look pregnant” isn’t a compliment either. Seriously just stop commenting on a woman’s body, pregnant or not.

Things you CAN say to a pregnant person:

Nothing pregnancy related unless she brings it up… then “you look great!” is the only safe response.

 

 

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